Testosterone Fail: Robbery Style

I drove past my my local K-mart the other day and thought, "I can't believe I haven't posted about the robbery I witnessed there last year." I've witnessed 3 robberies in the past year (robbery might be too harsh a word... just your average guy or gal trying to steal some stuff while being chased by store security. Regardless, they were robbing the store so I suppose the word holds true.) Anyhow, thankfully, in all 3 instances there were no weapons used and I never felt threatened. But the middle instance, the robbery at k-mart, is one of those "in the right place at the right time" miracles that I will forever be thankful for. It was actually something between Gloriously Epic and Monumentally Awesome.  Let me explain...

It was early afternoon and I had decided to make a quick run to K-mart to restock my office supplies.  I walked in, grabbed my binders and envelopes, and headed to the registers. But as I was making my way to the checkout line, I miraculously stopped in the women’s department to take a quick look at a few blouses. Suddenly, a young, tall, lanky man bolted passed the clothes section, and ran towards the doors at top speed. It was obvious he was stealing something. (I'm no thief, but if I was, I wouldn't suggest running when there's nobody chasing you... seems like a sure-fire way to get noticed...)

Unfortunate for him (and very fortunate for me) the door he chose to exit was a "pull" and not a "push." He, however, did not know this and chose to dramatically slam himself into the glass, believing it would swing wide open. But, since it was a "pull", it stayed stationary and he immediately crumbled to the floor. It caused such a scene that two employees quickly realized what was going on and ran after him. When the thief saw them coming, he somehow managed to get his bearings, scramble to his feet, try another door, and escape.  The two employees ran outside after him.  (I can’t imagine what the people in the garden section thought.)

It took me two seconds to assess the fact that YES, that had just happened and NO, nobody was hurt... and then I lost all composure in a display of complete unreserved-belly aching laughter.  If you know me IRL (this is the new acronym I just discovered for "In Real Life") my greatest joy is seeing people fall.  There's something about the look on people's faces when they realize they're totally out of control that is hilarious.  (Sidenote: If they get hurt or people are making fun of them (unless you're a thief) I don't enjoy it.)  But anyone who can fall and then laugh at themselves is a friend of mine.

Eventually the clerks that had run after the man came back... they were winded, empty handed, and laughing hysterically. Although they didn't catch the guy, they were laughing so hard they were crying.  The entire front half of the store erupted in intense, hold-your-side-and-pray-for-mercy laughter.  We had all witnessed one of the most humbling displays of a major testosterone fail. Running top-speed through a store, clearly certain you'd be the "big-man" who got away with stealing, only to run face first into a glass door, is well... beyond priceless.  No matter what that man got away with, it couldn't possibly equal the amount of pride he left sitting on that cold-tile floor.

Thank you K-mart for your strikingly good deals, your surprisingly good selection of women's apparel (if your standards are well... similar to mine), and for the honor of witnessing one of the most hilarious moments of my life.  I owe you one.  Oh... and for the love of all that is good, please put that security tape on YouTube.

Mae Mae 

*This is an archived but edited post*